OTTAWA, ON
After decades of pressure from platz-users across Canada, the Trudeau government has announced it will introduce legislation to regulate and sell rhubarb platz by the end of the year.
“This is a great victory for freedom-lovers across Canada,” said platz-addict Samuel Thiessen of Kitchener. “Finally I’ll be able to eat this stuff out in the open rather than just in Grandma Bergen’s kitchen on Sunday afternoons.”
Health advocates suggest that rhubarb platz is far from harmless and, for some, can be a gateway to other vices.
“How many cocaine-users do you know that didn’t start with platz first?” said concerned mom Ruth Peters. “I’ve seen many a life destroyed by rhubarb platz. Just look at my husband Harold.”
New Conservative leader Andrew Scheer was equally skeptical of the plan, claiming that the government should have other priorities.
“Should legalizing platz be top on the list?” wondered Scheer, who did confess to having experimented with platz in his college days.
Trudeau claims that legalizing and regulating platz will generate considerable revenue and keep money out of the hands of undesirable types like Mennonite grandmas.
“People are eating platz anyway,” said Trudeau. “So, we know the current system isn’t working. What we need is safe government-regulated platz.”
The Liberals have already set up massive platz-production facilities just outside of Aylmer, Ontario. The entire rhubarb supply will be grown in Mrs. Doris Loewen’s backyard.
(photo credit: Mohammad Janga/CC)