WASHINGTON, DC
According to a report from Fox News, US President Donald Trump has approved the deployment of five heavily armed aircraft carriers to the Canadian Prairies in order to combat the imminent danger posed by Canadian dairy cows.
“It’s a disgrace what those Canadian dairy cows are doing to us,” said Trump, while enjoying a tall glass of 2% chocolate milk. “So we’ve got to fight back the only way we know how – by sending in the navy to bomb the hell out of them!”
The President reportedly redirected a number of military resources from the coast of North Korea in order to address what he considers a much bigger threat to American safety and security: Canadian milk.
“Have you seen those Canadian cows, folks?” said Trump. “I mean we can’t compete with udders like that. It’s just unfair. But we’ll stop them, you’ll see.”
The carriers, which have been slowly winding their way up the Red River are now a little north of Grand Forks, North Dakota and will be in Manitoba later this week.
“I hate everything about Canada. The cold winters, the French fries with gravy, their politeness,” said Trump. “But most of all I hate the fact they make so much better and tastier milk than we do.”
In a particularly candid moment later in the press conference, Trump admitted he was just doing all this to compensate for his embarrassingly tiny hand size.