WASHINGTON, DC
President Donald Trump has just inked a 5-year $70 million contract with a major publisher to hoist Bibles in the air at various photo-ops.
“Hopefully he hoists them right-side up, but otherwise as long as he’s hoisting and cameras are rolling, we’re good with it,” said a company spokesperson. “The contract specifically requires him to push his way past a few peaceful protestors, thrust our Bibles above his head, and smile sheepishly at least once a month.”
At his first Bible-hoisting, Trump made it very clear that the book was not his own, but simply a prop given to him by some dude in sunglasses just moments before the cameras were rolling.
“It was a stunt double,” Trump explained later. “When you’re hoisting Bibles, you’ve got to make sure you’ve got an experienced Bible that’s used to being thrust in the air by a sweaty old man. I do own a Bible, but it’s never been opened, so it’s hardly a suitable candidate for the rigours of hoisting.”
After a busy week spent hoisting Bibles, suppressing the rights of protestors, and promoting violence on Twitter, Trump made sure everyone knew that the Bibles in his possession were “purely ornamental” and that his message should not be misconstrued.
“Don’t get the wrong idea. I don’t want anybody actually reading it,” said Trump. “If they did that, pretty soon they’d see that my methods of making America great are totally incompatible with the life and teachings of Jesus Christ. Wouldn’t want that to happen.”
It is believed that Trump is the first American celebrity to sign an endorsement deal with a major Bible publisher and a major tear gas manufacturer in the same week.