WASHINGTON, DC
At a press conference at the White House on Friday, the Trump Administration announced a massive new tariff on the basic human values commonly held by the rest of the world. Specifically targeted in the new tariff were foreign imports “including, but not limited to, wisdom, level-headedness, and decency.”
“We’re preserving our American values,” said Trump. “We simply can’t have those foreign ideas of peace, justice, and public safety infect our shores.”
Trump is acting fast as recent months have shown an increase in American young people speaking out and letting their voices be heard on a wide range of issues that would make the USA a better place.
“Where are these people getting these ideas? Look at what free trade has done to our nation!” said Trump. “If you’re going to go around saying ‘our schools should be safer’ or ‘people shouldn’t die on the street because they have no health insurance’ and stuff like that, then you’re going to pay a hefty fine for those foreign ideas.”
With the new protectionist laws, American citizens caught importing and distributing foreign ideas such as universal health care, gun control, and the metric system will be punished with a 10 million dollar fine and could even face jail time in one of America’s many privately-run profit-driven prisons.
“We’re going to rip apart NAFTA piece by piece,” said Trump. “No more Canadian milk, wheat, or values of peace and prosperity for us!”
So far, foreign importers of decent ideas have been undeterred by the threat of tariffs since they’re confident that Americans will buy their products anyway.
(photo credit: Matt Johnson/CC)