FRESNO, CA
An unmarried couple at South Fresno Mennonite are facing intense scrutiny after they were caught grasping opposite corners of the same hymnal during a rousing rendition of ‘Blessed Assurance’ this past Sunday. The church takes such matters of fornication very seriously and has called upon the couple to explain themselves.
“Hymnals before marriage is a very serious offence,” said Elder Johan. “It’s bad enough that we let them sit near each other, but now they’re even singing from the same hymn book? Disgusting!”
One of the accused, Miss Helena Fehr, 20, said she never intended to grasp hold of Peter Funk’s hymnal, but when he saw her looking around for a book, he offered to share his.
“I don’t know what came over me. I just reached out and grabbed the edge of his hymnal,” said Fehr. “He didn’t seem to mind. He didn’t pull away or anything, so we just sang like that with our hands on the same hymnal until the end of all five verses.”
After hearing her teary confession, the elder board has decided to absolve Peter Funk of any responsibility for the matter.
“She seduced him,” said Elder Plett. “This is exactly the reason men and women aren’t supposed to sit near each other in church. Next thing you know he’ll be sampling her extra garlic dills!”
If convicted the couple could face up to ten years cleaning up after Young People’s on Fridays.
(photo credit: brownpau/CC)