GENEVA, SWITZERLAND
A new study from the World Health Organization has revealed a new number one killer around the world: reading online comments. In 2018 alone, comment-reading was known to have caused more than two million fatal heart attacks.
“We recommend that people get enough sleep, cut back on sugar, and abstain from reading Internet comments,” said WHO representative Beatrice McDonald. “Most of them are just so infuriating, obscene or ignorant that it’s no wonder they’re causing heart palpitations. We also recommend not staring too long at Internet memes.”
The study noted that message boards on news websites and the comment section below YouTube videos were the worst culprits.
“The Internet tends to bring the worst out in people and, unfortunately, it’s fatal,” said McDonald. “Just one hour on the Internet is like being a 3-pack a day smoker.”
McDonald noted a few exceptions, like the comment section on The Daily Bonnet facebook page.
“Mennonites tend to be nice Internet-users,” said McDonald, “but venture beyond the Mennonite Church Canada page or the Daily Bonnet and you’re really taking your life into your hands.”
The second leading cause of death was listening to pundits on cable news.
