SEMINOLE, TX
A new study out of the University of Seminole suggests that the average North American has gained at least twenty pounds and lost a full twenty IQ points since the beginning of the pandemic.
“It seems that most of us have completely lost our abilities to think rationally, speak coherently, and disagree without name-calling,” said Professor Friesen. “I don’t want to blame the donuts…but I’m blaming the donuts.”
The study also revealed a whole host of interesting facts and figures. Since the beginning of the shut-in, we’ve seen:
- A 63% reduction in the ability to pass by a meme without sharing it.
- An average three tonne pile of sunflower seed shells on driveways throughout the continent
- A 90% increase in the use of phrases such as “holem de gruel” and “Waut de schissjat?”
- Most popular Google search items in 2020:
- where to buy toilet paper in Rosenfeld
- how to stuff your own farmer sausage
- how to tell if a Mennonite woman is married
- is Zoom a sin?
- A 38% increase in posting photos of bare feet on a patio next to a glass of white wine